You know, I was going to start from scratch... but looking at my first 3 posts from 2010, I feel like those are definite precursors to what I'm about to say. I was happy in 2010. I don't what happened since then. I feel like I am starting to really grow up and see that I don't live in the fantasy world I thought I did. I do have an amazing son. That has never changed. Everything else has. I don't think Justin and I will ever see eye-eye again. We are 2 totally different people. We want different things out of life and I can't make him happy anymore. We have genuinely sat down and decided that we would be happier without each other. We still get along, but that is basically it. There is no attraction, no common ground or interests, and damn he makes me want to gauge my eyes out sometimes. I have thought about the effects this will have on Jude. Ultimately, I know that Jude will be happier in 2 separate, happy homes versus one strained, resentful home. Being a single mom is terrifying to me. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it. But at the same time I know that I have amazing friends and family that won't let me drown. Now, that I am finally back in school and have an amazing job, the not relying on Justin seems less terrifying. But I won't be officially moving out for sometime because I have to build my savings and get 80% done with my degree.
This is not why writing again. Well, it's part of it. But not the sole purpose. My purpose here is to hold myself accountable. I may not have any followers, but I know that if I post here then maybe someone will read it and hold me accountable. Right now, its about me, myself, and I.
Number 1: I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. I feel like a disgusting bag of pig lard. I love Jude, but that boy ravaged my body. I use to feel like I was heavy in high school. I would kill to be her again. So, starting tomorrow, I am eating fruits and veggies and small amounts of protein. No more fast food, sodas, or sweets. I will have one day a week where I can increase my calorie intake. But that's it. I need to start working on being happy with myself. Right now, self-loathing is an understatement.
Number 2: I also need some place to talk about the President. Not Barak Obama. It's not a political blog. The President is a nickname for someone I am interested in and he is so named because he has a presidential name. That's as much detail as I am giving out. I did not set out looking for some guy to spark my interests. I really just wanted sex since I had been without it for *cough* a long time. But there is a connection deeper than that. Or at least on my side of things. I know he has an issue that I'm still married. And, frankly, I have issue that I'm still married. I would like to mention that I have never been on this side of a "relationship." I'm usually the one in control. I don't sit around waiting for someone to text me. "This kind of thing doesn't happen usually. I'm on the opposite side of it truthfully." -"Brokenhearted" by Karmin. Listen to it. That's this situation. Oh, he also lives 4 hours away. Seeing him is not necessarily plausible. I have never been one to drop what I'm doing just to go see a dude. But in this case, I would. I have no idea what it is about him... but damn I'm going cray.
Number 3: I'm hoping this writing will give me some sort of outlet from the crazy in my brain. And I'm hoping that if I blog about my eating and exercise habits then I'll feel crappy enough to do it. We'll see.
Tomorrow is day one. Leh Go.
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