What the hell am I doing?

You know, this is a cycle. I find a great guy who thinks I'm great for a second and then I freak out when he doesn't say what I want him to say. I invest my heart too much too soon. I have literally known him for almost a month. And I'm being gross obsessive. At least I'm doing it with out him around. I try to play cool calm and collected. I really think I am just torn over the fact that Justin is just honky dory with Tiffany and I'm left out to dry. And that makes me feel like I have nothing to offer. Or that my standards are too high. I find guys interested in me, but I'm just not interested in return for random reasons. But I refuse to settle again. Somewhere deep down I know I feel like have worth. I just want this one person to tell me that. He said not to get too attached... I'm sorry you happen to be awesome and I happen to use my whole heart. But here I am again... Same shit different dude. I should be used to this by now, but it hurts every time. But I'm gonna roll with the punches and take it day by day. Maybe I'll just get another dog.

Just a little Melody

I had a long talk last night with my really good friend Melody. She really gets me. Especially when it comes to men and relationships. We are like the same person. We want awesome sex but eventually we get attached and then feel inadequate when the feelings aren't reciprocated. We are each others' support system. So, I'm going to do my best to abstain from texting the president unless he texts me. I don't want to be a perpetual booty call. And I feel like an idiot for catching feelings so early. Bleh.

On a pampering note: I'm get my hair done. It's been bad for a hot minute. Thank god for Nicole. She can always fix it.

I'm going to see my sisters tonight. I was supposed to head to the ATL tonight but the soon to be ex won't be home in enough time to be with Jude. I'm a little bummed. But c'est la vie.

My house is clean! My homework is.... Kinda done. And I have to work at my amazing job tomorrow.

Life is pretty good... For now.

Blogging when I should be working.

I really hate this computer training though. I never retain the info. I end up acing the course on the computer, but I always have to get someone to show me physically. I can't complain because I'm so thankful for this job. The women I work with are hilarious and ridiculous. And I'm like the only white girl who works here and I love it. Im pretty sure I was meant to e born a black woman, but who knows what happened. We are all going out for the first time this Friday. Booboo gon' get down.

I read my horoscope this morning. I almost bought a lottery ticket. "Your ship could come in today, Libra. It will happen unexpectedly, and it may take you some time to adjust to this sudden financial windfall. This is a day of big changes, because you may also decide to use this money to completely alter your way of life. It could be that you make a move to another part of the country or decide to change professions. Trust your instincts, Libra."

I need money. Desperately. I wish I had enough to get Jude and I out on our own. I know Justin says he will help but why I'd sown thing happens? I can't rely on him anymore.

Breakfast: banana and a smoothie (with a full daily serving of fruit). Hopefully that will make up for the chicken Parmesan and pasta I brought for lunch ;) in my defense, it's a small portion and whole grain pasta. Suck it. I'm just glad this diet has lasted more than 24 hours. I'm considering working out tonight, but that depends on how this 10 hour workday goes.

I FaceTimed 2 of my bestest friends last night. The both live in Athens. I wih we were closer together. They don't judge my mistakes or "defriend" me because I said something they didn't like. It's so nice to have friends like that. And it's one of their birthdays today. Happy birthday, Kaitlyn!!

This post is all over the place today. I'm too tired to get my thoughts together. Finally, I have "How to Hate" by Lil Wayne and T-Pain stuck in my head. Lil Wayne is my guilty pleasure.

Rainy Tuesday.

I decided to dress cutely today. Low and behold: torrential rain. But on my long walk from one class to another, I took my sandals off and walked through the cool water. I haven't done that since, well, I don't think I've ever done that. It was a clarifying feeling. And the walk between these 2 buildings is the devils dick. Needless to say, I didn't mind it so much today.

On another note, in between the time that I wrote the last paragraph to now, I witnessed a car accident. Like not just saw people on the side of the road. This guy sped past me (through a turning lane, might I add) and the 18 wheeler in front of me. Little did he know that there was an 18 wheeler in front of him turning and the original driver tried to weave through the 18 wheelers with his JANK ass 1997 Camry. C'mon bro. Really? Thankfully no one was hurt, but come to find out the car was not his. It belonged to the girl in the passenger seat's dad. Yeah, I don't think you'll be dating his daughter anymore guy. There were also 3 more accidents on the interstate in my way home. Georgians don't know how to handle rain. Or snow. Shit you're lucky if things are good on a clear day. If you can't drive, stay home. Wait, don't do that because then I can't laugh at you.

Food today: raisin bagel, low fat cream cheese, juice, pickles, tortilla with low fat cheese. Not totes impressive but it's better than usually. Dinner: chicken green peppers, red onions, muenster. Well, as of now, that's the plan. But damn I'm tired.

The beginning.

I have been snacking on almonds all morning and I just had a salad with grilled chicken (pictures here) for lunch. And all I've had is water today. So, snaps for me. And I'm going walking tonight with a friend. I got kind of snooty with the doctor I work for because she is tall and skinny and she was prancing around saying, "I'm getting cookies today. And I want Arby's!" and I was like I want to kill you. But that's illegal and I don't want Jude to live with any of the crazies of my family.

My sister texted me and told me to up the privacy settings on my blog if I didn't want Justin to read it. Well, frankly, I don't give a damn. We had the "if you find someone before things are finalized" talk. I just told him to not lie to me about it. I just want to know who is around our kid. And he says there is no one, but I'm pretty sure he's lying now. At this stage in the game, I have a full harvest of fucks that I am not giving. I am worried about Jude and his future/safety, and I am worried about me. God will get me to where I need to go. And I'm not going to be busting my ass to not have any fun.

So, day 1 of healthy, so far so good. I wish I had the money just to suck all the fat out. All I really want is a nap now.

It's a new Monday...

The sunrise this morning kind of signifies that today I'm gonna make changes: diet, emotional, good changes. The diet part is meh so far... I didn't eat breakfast because I was running late and I didn't realize that I only have 24 bucks in my bank account. Great. And I forgot to pack my lunch. So this 8 am to 7 pm shift will suck. But I'm going walking tonight so at least that's a step in the right direction. I also weighed myself last night for the first time in forever. Scales scare me. Honestly, I thought I was pushing 275. I'm at 221.5. Still makes me cringe, but my goals don't seem as unattainable now. I'd like to be under 200 by the end of October. Even if it's 199.9. I'd like to be down to 175 by valentines day. I'd like to be 150 a year from now. Here's the problem: if I don't see results in a timely fashion I freak out and eat. I'm praying on my chubby little hands and knees that I don't do that.

Why the end of October? Rendezvous the President. As of now, we have plans, but I'm almost confident he will have to work. Here is why I'm pessimistic about it: because I know my level of interest in him is way higher than his in me. I think that's why I'm so interested in him. Because I'm not getting the level of attention that I desire. And the sex is amazeballs. He's not even my general type. I usually like scruffy, dark haired, light eyes, tattooed kind of guys. He isn't. But like I said, I really think I'm attached to this guy because he's not paying attention to me.

I have other guys that are all up in my butthole. Two of them are exes (bad news). And I am interested in a couple of others, but not like the President. Because all of these other guys text me coooonstaaaaantlyyyy. And I'm lucky if I get one text from the prez. And it's not even that I want live happily ever after and ride of into the sunset with him... I just want someone a little more emotionally involved. I want more attention, especially from someone who's in the same place as me career wise. Because Justin has lacked in all of those areas for some time now. He's a great dad... And he used to be a great husband. But not so much anymore. He checked out a long time ago. I guess I'll see come October.

Really all I want right now is a cheeseburger. Or food in general. Back to saving animals lives. Mmm roasted cat?

New dawn, new day

You know, I was going to start from scratch... but looking at my first 3 posts from 2010, I feel like those are definite precursors to what I'm about to say. I was happy in 2010. I don't what happened since then. I feel like I am starting to really grow up and see that I don't live in the fantasy world I thought I did. I do have an amazing son. That has never changed. Everything else has. I don't think Justin and I will ever see eye-eye again. We are 2 totally different people. We want different things out of life and I can't make him happy anymore. We have genuinely sat down and decided that we would be happier without each other. We still get along, but that is basically it. There is no attraction, no common ground or interests, and damn he makes me want to gauge my eyes out sometimes. I have thought about the effects this will have on Jude. Ultimately, I know that Jude will be happier in 2 separate, happy homes versus one strained, resentful home. Being a single mom is terrifying to me. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it. But at the same time I know that I have amazing friends and family that won't let me drown. Now, that I am finally back in school and have an amazing job, the not relying on Justin seems less terrifying. But I won't be officially moving out for sometime because I have to build my savings and get 80% done with my degree.

This is not why writing again. Well, it's part of it. But not the sole purpose. My purpose here is to hold myself accountable. I may not have any followers, but I know that if I post here then maybe someone will read it and hold me accountable. Right now, its about me, myself, and I.

Number 1: I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. I feel like a disgusting bag of pig lard. I love Jude, but that boy ravaged my body. I use to feel like I was heavy in high school. I would kill to be her again. So, starting tomorrow, I am eating fruits and veggies and small amounts of protein. No more fast food, sodas, or sweets. I will have one day a week where I can increase my calorie intake. But that's it. I need to start working on being happy with myself. Right now, self-loathing is an understatement.

Number 2: I also need some place to talk about the President. Not Barak Obama. It's not a political blog. The President is a nickname for someone I am interested in and he is so named because he has a presidential name. That's as much detail as I am giving out. I did not set out looking for some guy to spark my interests. I really just wanted sex since I had been without it for *cough* a long time. But there is a connection deeper than that. Or at least on my side of things. I know he has an issue that I'm still married. And, frankly, I have issue that I'm still married. I would like to mention that I have never been on this side of a "relationship." I'm usually the one in control. I don't sit around waiting for someone to text me. "This kind of thing doesn't happen usually. I'm on the opposite side of it truthfully." -"Brokenhearted" by Karmin. Listen to it. That's this situation. Oh, he also lives 4 hours away. Seeing him is not necessarily plausible. I have never been one to drop what I'm doing just to go see a dude. But in this case, I would. I have no idea what it is about him... but damn I'm going cray.

Number 3: I'm hoping this writing will give me some sort of outlet from the crazy in my brain. And I'm hoping that if I blog about my eating and exercise habits then I'll feel crappy enough to do it. We'll see.

Tomorrow is day one. Leh Go.